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I recently received an email from United Airlines detailing a “special offer” for The Private Suite at LAX. Having never heard of The Private Suite, I was at least curious enough to open it, even though I normally trash everything that comes in as United’s News & Deals mail.

Boy, was I in for a surprise. This is quite the place. And quite the “deal”.

The Private Suite LAX

The Private Suite at LAX is a one-of-a-kind experience, and I was getting a one-of-a-kind offer! Yay! Apparently because I was flying from Santa Rosa to Los Angeles, they figured I might want to enjoy this special experience on this short little itinerary. So kind of United to send me this offer.

The Private Suite takes your “stressful and unpredictable” LAX experience and turns it into utter peace. They take your typical 2,000 steps through the airport and turn them into a mere 70. Because who wants to exercise?

“Members of The Private Suite don’t wait in crowded lines because private TSA screening is done right in our building. Members don’t walk down long crowded concourses, or line up at ticket counters and boarding gates. They don’t deal with baggage. And they don’t deal with paparazzi.”

a diagram of a line of a building

Definitely need that last item. I’m constantly trying to avoid paparazzi, just like Lenardo DiCaprio when he chooses to fly commercial. Gotta reduce that carbon footprint and stop flying private. Or,in my case, almost private.

a room with a television and chairs

At the Private Suite, you get to shut out everyone and everything. You get to spend your entire time in the airport in a lovely little space with a stocked pantry, private bathroom, daybed, and view of the runway. You can almost forget about the team of eight people assigned to manage the entire affair. Finish off your Private Suite experience with a car ride directly to your waiting aircraft.

Check out the site for the whole experience. Oh, and it costs just $750 one-way, or $1,350 round-trip. So basically enough for another first-class flight across the country.

a car and a plane in the sky

How laughable this truly is

This is one of those moments where I realize just how absurdly elitist travel can get. Does anyone really not want to mix with the peons in the “normal” airport? Do you really need eight people to take care of your travel experience? Sure, I’ll take advantage of expedited security through TSA Precheck, but everyone and their mother has this these days. I’l also take advantage of airport lounges, which can sometimes feel exclusive (but really aren’t). But this? This is absurd.

Except it’s really not, at least as a business idea, as I’m sure they have a great market for the DiCaprios and other L.A. elite looking to stay out of the public eye, yet fly commercial.

They just really missed the mark with their marketing sending the offer to my inbox.

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