Today I wanted to write a bit of a different post, talking about something that I noticed on our recent trip to Europe. Like probably many who are reading this post, I am the “trip planner”. We often see references to P1 or P2 (talking about Player 1 or Player 2) and it’s not uncommon to see references to “P1” (the active miles and points participant) talking about how “P2” is not as involved in the miles and points earning or trip planning. So while I will say that I ENJOY doing this kind of planning, I was also noticing as part of our recent trip that it often took a bit of a toll on my vacation.
I thought I would mention this to talk about what it was like and see if others feel the same way.
How I Became “The Trip Planner”
Before I start, I should mention that I did talk this over with my wife and she read this post before it went out. I don’t want it to seem that I think she is not “pulling her weight” or that I am bitter about our division of labor. On the contrary, my wife and I are open about the different tasks that each of us do (in life as well as in travel) and I feel like we have a fair division of labor. It’s just that due to the way that our life kind of worked out over time, I have taken on the role of “trip planner”. In the early days of our marriage, we didn’t travel very much. Then in 2014, I started getting into miles and points and that has fueled most of our traveling since then. Since I am “the expert” in this regard in our family, I’m the one that plans the trips, books the flights / hotels / rental cars and plans the activities.
On the other hand, Carolyn is the primary packer for all of our trips – even on solo trips of mine, I always seem to run through things with her to make sure that I’m not forgetting anything. In fact, when we surprised our kids with a trip to Disney, she packed everything (in secret!) for an entire week’s worth of a trip, including food for cooking in a hotel room.
What A Trip Might Look Like For Me
I saw this meme and while I did not write this (and the woman below is not my wife), it’s…. not dissimilar to how our trips might look like.
As I mentioned, because I know what kind of miles and points we have, I’m the one that generally books those flights. And I’ll also admit that there’s a bit of a “control freak” side of things – where I’m worried that if I let Carolyn or someone else plan the vacation that they “won’t do it right” or we “won’t get a good deal”. While we generally all talk together about what kind of activities we want to do, I’m typically the one that plans when we do each activity, along with how we’re getting there, when we need to leave, etc.
So while the rest of the family is in “vacation mode”, my brain is always whirring with things like
- “What’s next?”
- “How do we get there?”
- “What do we do if something goes wrong?”
It Makes It Hard To Relax On Vacations
I wouldn’t say that worrying about all the logistics of trip planning makes it hard for me to ENJOY vacations (after all, all that planning is something I also enjoy), but it does make it challenging to RELAX.
This was something that I felt on our most recent trip to London and Paris. In some ways, it was almost a bit of a relief when the trip (or each day) was over, since it meant that I no longer had to worry about where we were going or what we needed to do if things went wrong (like our flights home getting canceled!)
Suggestions On How To “Let Go”?
I don’t want to say that I didn’t have fun on the trip. This anxiety was just something I felt a bit more on this trip. I’m open to suggestions from others who have found themselves in this situation as the main travel planners. As I mentioned earlier, Carolyn did read this post and we have talked about this before. One simple solution would be to let her plan more of the activities or daily tasks. I think that would still cause me a bit of anxiety because I’m such a “planner” type personality, but the only way I might overcome that is by trying it.
We also have an upcoming trip to Yosemite National Park where my dad and stepmom have done a lot of the planning for our time in the park, so that may be an opportunity to get a bit of a more “relaxing” trip. Of course, I still had to plan all the flights, hotels and rental car for GETTING there 🙂
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The Bottom Line
Because I’m the “trip planner” in our family, it sometimes makes it hard to truly relax on a vacation. And while I still enjoy vacations, in part because I truly do enjoy the planning process, I’m curious if there are others that feel the same way.
Any other trip planners out there? How does that affect your trips / vacations? Any suggestions for the rest of us? Leave them in the comments below
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Dan Miller travels with his wife and 6 (SIX!) children. He loves to help families travel for free / cheap, especially larger families. If you are looking for help, drop him an email at 
My husband used to do most of our trip planning and I went with the flow. Back then we mostly traveled to ski (which I did not do before I met him) or to his work conferences.
I became the trip planner when we decided that our grown kids could use less future inheritance and we could use extended time with our grandkids. We started an annual tradition of meeting at a Florida beach resort.
With four family groups to accommodate, points became really important to keeping this tradition going and affordable.
I enjoy the machinations of finding and executing a great redemption. I don’t mind checking and rechecking for changes in fares for that sweet spot in cash or points. The Hunt and pre-planning activities are where it is at for me. I make sure we get to our destination(s) and have comfortable places to sleep.
I am happy for others to wake up in the morning and saying “what shall we do today?” Occasionally, that results in a day by the pool, which is not in my mental list of things to do!
Last year’s family trip, I did ask each family group to plan one activity. This was met with mixed success but I will try again for this year.
Letting go of the destination activities was a great step to my being more present on our trips. I get to experience things fresh rather than having analyzed them for hours or months in advance.
We may not get the best deal but having someone else be involved is priceless. We may not see everything we want, we’ll put it on the list for next time.
Yes, it can be stressful but when it all goes to plan, it is magical. I planned a 104 day trip to Asia last summer which included 3 cruises and assorted land trips to 10 countries. To boot, we didn’t want to lose our luggage so we each had a carryon roller bag and a 55 liter backpack. It was amazing although figuring out the logistics each day was tough. My wife and I did decide the day to day logistics together which helped but all the major items was planned by me with her blessing.
It was great to read this article and know I am not alone in feeling a bit worn out from doing all the travel planning! In the last year or so I’ve be nudging my husband to plan the daily activities for us. We both like to have flexibility so we don’t book activities far in advance, but you still need to research the options up front. He seems to enjoy doing it and on our upcoming trip to Ireland he actually put together a big document with options for us. I think the trick to stop worrying that “it won’t be done right” is to focus on the sense of relaxation you’ll get from offloading the responsibility and let go of the idea that there are must do’s for every location. Appreciate just being there and “soaking up the local color” (obscure I Love Lucy reference there : ) The second part of my plan is to do more all inclusive vacationing. We are not the bus tour or Club Med types. I’m looking at small, but upscale, all inclusive properties with options for activities like hiking, biking and off road explorations. I’ve also looked at small ship cruising as a very appealing option. These all inclusive type vacations are more expensive than using points for free hotel nights, but will reduce the work of planning to just figuring out how to get there. Reading all the travel blogs out there can put a lot of pressure on you to get maximum value from every point. Don’t forget to include the ease of using the points when you consider if YOU are getting good value! Good luck with learning to let go and relax more. You’re already mostly there by just admitting your feelings and talking to your wife about it.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment! It’s definitely still something that we are working on.
I feel you. In one month we’re leaving for Scotland, before visiting London, then South Africa, and finally a few days in Doha before coming back home. I have spreadsheets gallor trying to keep track of all the different flight, hotel, car, train, and experience reservations, and more trying to figure out what to pack. Sometimes I’m excited, sometimes I’m overwhelmed. I just make sure that I plan enough on my trip to make it worth it for me. Yes, we’ll be bringing the kids to the museums they want to see, and on game drives to see the animals they’re most interested in, but I also planned several down days to go do some hikes that I want to do.
The other thing I’ve done, is cut down on the number of trips we do as a family. We used to fly monthly together somewhere. Now we do one big trip during Spring Break, and another big summer trip, and the rest of the year I do one-on-one trips with the kids, two couples trips, and at least one solo trip.
Much like Val, I cannot express how much I appreciate you putting these thoughts into words. In many ways, I consider the planning responsibility a “virtue,” but it has a “dark side” — as you have articulated so well. In the end, however, I would have it no other way. We have gained so much in terms of time not wasted, access to experiences at the precise time(s) we wanted, and — yes — even lower costs (because prices tend to increase in direct proportion to inventory decreasing) — that the “cost” of being the “planner” is worth the additional stress. Thanks for being willing to share your experience — and know you’re not alone!